Tastebuds: A Retrospective. (November 2019)
The Before. Just Before Covid, the Collapse of Tastebuds, and the Move to Ireland
Welcome to my 39th Newsletter Friends!
This is the day we begin my FOUR (journal entries) ON Friday! If you watched my latest video you will have heard me announce that we are taking a look back to see how the heck I got here, slinging coffee and toasted sandwiches out of an old horse trailer in Cork, Ireland. To be honest, I’m pretty curious myself, so this ought to be fun for both of us!
And yes, I do realize today is Sunday!
I had a fourth pint on Friday! Eddie made me! If you watched that video you know three’s my limit!
TASTEBUDS: A RETROSPECTIVE
Introduction
I keep forgetting that I am the boss of my creative endeavors! Tastebuds Cork nearly went out of business because I felt obligated to keep salads on the menu for the handful of customers who liked them, even though they were to blame for losing money, day after day, week after week.
When I finally realized that the handful of people who loved my salads would probably be more disappointed if they saw that I closed permanently than if I streamlined the menu, I did what had to be done. If given the opportunity to explain why their favorite salad was no longer on the menu, customers were understanding, even sympathetic. Most were more than happy to indulge in a toasted ham and cheese instead, especially with the cold wet summer we had!
Of course, it was painful for me. Salads are my passion and my gift to the world! They are what I love to create and consume, and what I feel I do better than anyone else. Alas, Ireland has a very different idea of salad, and lettuce, mixed greens, and baby spinach have no part of it! I’ve made my peace with it and honestly, my life and my job are a whole lot easier now!
Now, when it comes to my writing, I nearly lost my mojo trying to live up to my promise of one final newsletter in the series about travel that I started writing a year ago which was supposed to include a bruschetta recipe for paid subscribers (still a work in progress). The problem was that I became bored with it, and if I know anything, if I’m bored writing it, I cannot imagine you will enjoy reading it! Well, it wasn’t perfect but I allowed myself to publish what I had so that we could move on to what I am dying to explore!
Onward! Backwards and Inwards!
I am excited to take a look back at my journals leading up to COVID-19 and all that followed. Honestly, I haven’t been able to stop and take more than a glimpse until now. The decision to close Tastebuds was monumental. For me to feel, and prove to everyone else, that it was not a colossal mistake that I’d regret for the rest of my life, I had to keep moving, keep chasing another dream that I hoped would bring me as much joy and purpose as Tastebuds Restaurant gave me.
Last week, a cancer survivor returned to my trailer for a coffee after a long while away and I was so happy to see him I nearly cried. He was diagnosed with stage four brain cancer back in April and I wasn’t sure I would ever see him again. I insisted on buying him his first coffee back, and he left in happy tears after sharing his story with me of the battle he fought and how it feels to have won, to be cancer-free just months after being handed what was thought to be a death sentence.
That was the moment that I felt the scale finally balance, weighing the before and the after, what I left behind in America, and what I have created here in Ireland. That was the moment I decided I could stop running and reaching because at that moment, I felt that I was exactly where I was meant to be. It’s time now, to slowly turn around and remember what it took to get here.
For those of you who were regulars at Tastebuds in Cleveland, imagine if we lost our sense of urgency. Imagine if there was suddenly no pressure on me to serve you lunch as quickly and efficiently as possible and no pressure on you to eat and return to work in less than 30 minutes. We could've gotten to know each other a little better and I would’ve loved that!
Although I still do put a lot of pressure on myself to be quick and efficient at Tastebuds Cork, I am reminded daily by customers “not to worry” that I am “grand” and that it is “no bother at all” to wait. Often, waiting leads to lovely conversations with customers either chatting with me or others who are also waiting or sitting enjoying coffee on my patio. If you’ve ever traveled to Ireland or if you live here now, you know that you can strike up a conversation about the weather with anyone, anywhere and anytime! It’s the gateway to having a great social life!
I may not be able to be an integral part of family celebrations as the go-to caterer for wedding showers, baby showers, retirement, and birthday parties like I was in Cleveland. I no longer get to hob knob with the movers and shakers and host fundraisers, town hall discussions, and kick-off political campaigns, but like the most important lesson I’ve learned here, less is more.
I’ve lived in Ireland for four years now and I finally realize that it’s not the menu that matters, and it’s not what I write, it’s how I hope to make people feel that gives my life meaning and purpose.
For me, cooking was never about becoming famous and writing was never about getting published (although, a girl’s gotta make a living, especially if she reared her child on lamb chops and filet mignon!) It’s a way of expressing myself and giving of myself. A life of service to others is quintessentially Irish most likely because of Catholicism and the teachings of Jesus. To live here and witness its power and grace every single day is extraordinary.
After washing His disciples’ feet — an act of love, humility, and service — Jesus said, “I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you."
There was a time when every house I entered in my Irish Catholic neighborhood as well as the houses of all of my relatives had two pictures mounted on the mantle above the fireplace. One was of Jesus the Sacred Heart and the other was of John F. Kennedy. I shudder to think what has replaced them.
“Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.”
-President John F. Kennedy
Being a chef, barista or restaurateur gives you a superpower. For just the price of a cup of coffee or a meal, you can make someone’s day. You get to say, “I love and care about you!” without the awkwardness of actually having to say it! There aren’t many professions like this.
Writing my story as openly and honestly as I can is another way for me to connect with people and try to make sense of this crazy world with all of it’s and all of its exquisite beauty and tragic, sometimes fatal flaws. I aim to inspire and entertain. To shine a light and explore what it means to be truly alive and encourage you to follow your heart, to love, live, and cook by instinct, and to serve others well.
And so, I invite you to come along with me back to The Before; Just Before Covid, the Collapse of Tastebuds, and My Move to Ireland. Please excuse the language!
THE BEFORE
Journal Entry
Saturday, November 9th, 2019
This day is heaven-sent! After many unavoidable distractions starting with back-to-back kids' birthday parties last weekend and ending with the on-again off-again romantic saga I found myself in this weekend, I am finally back to living an artist’s life!
Today started with bacon frying while Ari cracked some eggs and beat them into submission before frying them in the bacon grease! I brewed a pot of coffee in the restaurant and then brought it into the loft, then set up a writing station in front of my big purple poofy chair. Ari dragged his basketball hoop over so I would be able to watch him play while I wrote. He’s a clever one!
I wrote an introduction for Erin for our Tastebuds Facebook page, letting everyone know that I am stepping down and handing her the reins. I worked on it for four hours and I am happy with my work, only I have no idea how to move it from a Word document to a Facebook post! Oh well.
I heated some spaghetti and meatballs leftover from Thursday, retrieved a Blue Walnut Salad from Tastebuds, and cracked open a bottle of Cline Zin from…well… my ex, I guess! Ari wouldn’t join me, so I had lunch with Aaron Sorkin instead!
Masterclass is the best investment I have ever made! Goddamn did I learn a lot! What an amazing time we live in! I have always dreamed of being a professional writer, working off a storyboard, and collaborating with brilliant writers. Well, today I got to do it…sort of! I sat behind my laptop and in front of me was Aaron Sorkin working with a team of talented writers on an episode of the West Wing. HO LEE FUCK!!! I want that to be my next career!
I have so much to bring to that table. My well is DEEP! All I do, all I have ever done, is surround myself with fun, fascinating, complex, and tragically flawed characters. I learn whatever I can from them, write about our crazy adventures, and then slip away before they get us both killed! I don’t think I would ever have trouble contributing ideas! And just look how modest I am!!! I’ll fit right in in LA!
As I watched Quentin Tarantino’s, Once Upon a Time…in Hollywood last weekend, I looked around the Cinematheque and thought to myself, ‘There’s no one else in this theater that has a story like mine of spending several nights in the Hollywood Hills, swimming in the pool, cooking in the kitchen, and sleeping in the house where the most gruesome murders ever took place at the hands of several members of the Manson family.
After taking notes on Aaron Sorkin’s Masterclass, I posted on Facebook what I had just experienced and then I plopped into bed and popped in a movie from Rocky River Library about Van Gogh called, At Eternity’s Gate, starring Willem Dafoe. Ho LEE FUCK was that good too!
Ironically my ex texted me several times during the movie. It made me reflect a bit on what true geniuses with brilliant minds look like and act like. The ones I know tend to look and act like social misfits, misunderstood by most and their own worst enemy to themselves. He wants another chance. Do I have what it takes to take that on again? I’ve lived this story before, I know how it ends. No one lives happily ever after, but then again, I hate Hollywood endings!
Can I love another tortured soul? It feels like my calling in life! To be the muse. To be the only connection to the modern world for a recluse. It’s kind of an honor actually. To be that one person who is let inside the barricades of the solitary compound of a brilliant artist and deep thinker. Woody Allen’s, Hanna and Her Sisters comes to mind. The character of Hanna. I’ve lived that life and I’ve loved that life! To be ravished, inspired, and to be shown a world ruled by raw emotion, art, music, and literature and to simultaneously, be having a love affair with a married man. To be alone most of the time. To have everyone wondering why the lover they know about is not with you at parties, wondering why you aren’t with someone better or more normal and stable. Or if he does come with you, to be on the edge, worried about what he will say or do to embarrass you or insult your friends because he only speaks the truth.
Well Bridget, common! You know why. Because you know what the alternative is like. You dated a successful attorney and a banker this year. You went to nice restaurants and had doors held for you and food and drinks bought for you by your smiling, handsome, suit-wearing dates. Their stories were good and interesting but they were not the ones you like to read. Your secret contempt for their easy, happy lives made it impossible to conjure up even a spark of desire.
You have a type, Bridget. And your type does not pass you every day. Your ex stimulates your brain and body in a way that very few can and satisfies this need in you to love the unlovable or unattainable. The question is…”Do you need it right now in your life? Will he interfere with your plans or will he enhance them?
Hmmm. He has moved the ball forward. Take my screenplay. He has given me so much confidence in it, but we haven’t gotten through it all yet. I’m absolutely terrified that he will hate the ending I wrote. But…it is taking him forever to read it. Would I be further along with the editing if I hadn’t asked for his input? Maybe. But, seriously who else could I find who would be so honest with feedback?
And don’t I need someone to share the success and failures in life with? Erin keeps getting busier with her family, my best friend keeps moving further and further away, Ari isn’t old enough to drink champagne when I succeed and Fayelou doesn’t drink! Well, Amaretto Sours don’t count in my book! With him, I feel supported and cared for. I don’t mind being alone, I feel strong and confident, but my screenplay emphasizes the importance of having just one person (at least) believing in you, and pulling for you, so I must believe it.
What if I allowed others in? Wait! What if I’m the tortured artist behind the barricades? Maybe I’m the one that is hard to love! Oh my God! I think I just may have had a breakthrough!
Ok, well that’s enough for now. I’ve pulled all of my Van Gogh and all of my Gauguin books down from my shelves. I’m going to finish off this wine and eat veggie crudite, aged gouda, and salted marcona almonds while paging through them. I’ve got dark chocolates warming in my pocket for dessert later. It’s gonna be a great night!
Oh my God! I just went into Ari’s bedroom. While most of his day was spent destroying the loft, turning furniture cushions into trampolines and fortresses, watching videos on my phone, and eating candy and popsicles…my boy did some art of his own too! He did three really cool drawings; one of Pikachu, one of a T-Rex, and one of a dragon.
He pulled his drawing table over to his bed and practice sketches are all over his bed! Wow! I am feeling so proud of him. I am also feeling proud of the example I must be setting, living an artist’s life. And here I thought he was only picking up on my swearing!
Journal Entry
Sunday, November 10th 2019
Watching Aaron Sorkin and taking notes for my screenplay while a leg of lamb is roasting in the oven. I just had a vision of myself behind a movie camera, scarfs in my hair holding back my wild curls so I can focus. I am directing a film and I can see it! I just grabbed Ari and exclaimed, “I am going to be a famous writer and director! He was just as excited as I am!
This is happening and it reminds me of wanting to open a restaurant, and before that, wanting to be a chef. I fucking go for it, yes, but not until I’ve read the books, gotten the degree, watched the how-to videos, talked to the others who have gone before me, done the research, weighed the pros and cons, saved up the money and left whatever job I had on good terms! I fucking love arming myself this way, and pretending that it’s just luck that I succeed. I feel like a warrior and I know that 90% of the opponents I will face are ill-prepared for the battle.
Journal Entry
November 18th 2014
I have this sudden urge to take inventory of my life, sparked no doubt by the very unexpected death of my accountant. I have not experienced this before, where someone was right there a minute ago, smiling, healthy, and happy, and then gone. Gone in the prime of his life. I thought about how it would be nice if I died midsentence- like, didn’t see it coming, didn’t waste any time worrying, didn’t need my ass wiped by anyone!
Anyway, there is a box that has been kicking around the loft for a hell of a long time now. It looks like a box of junk, but something has always stopped me from throwing it out. Well, thank God I didn’t. Buried under some old Bon Appetite magazines and Victoria’s Secret catalogs were some very special or sentimental letters, cards, and even a few secret love notes written on beer coasters. Many of them were heartbreaking to look at or read. There were also some CDs, and hand-painted cards from the artists and musicians I’ve dated.
My favorite item in the box though was the ticket stub from Ari’s first movie. I took him to see John Huston’s African Queen at Cleveland’s Playhouse Cinema on the Square when he was just seven months old! Talk about a grand entrance into mommy’s passion for movies! He even clapped at the end!
Wow! I just asked Ari if he remembered that experience. He said, “No! But I love that movie, Queen. Was it anything like that?” He was referring of course to the movie Bohemian Rhapsody, which he saw at four years old, and didn’t stop stomping and singing, “We Will Rock You!” for months!
The box also contained some newspaper and magazine reviews of Tastebuds and a blog about the first art show of my paintings. There were packets from my trip to Europe and the Oxford Symposium of Food and Cookery. I have an urge now to dig out old photographs. I especially want to find pictures of the Sharon Tate house where the Manson murders were, after seeing, Once Upon a Time…In Hollywood. Unfortunately, I’m a little too tired for that so I will just take a quick peek at my photo album of Europe.
Journal Entry
November 21st 2019
In the last three weeks, I have watched or re-watched all the movies listed below, and honestly, this is not excessive for me!
84 Charing Cross Road
At Eternity’s Gate
One Flew Over the Cuckoo Nest
Pulp Fiction
Paris Can Wait
Wizard of Oz
Wonder
Coffee and Cigarettes
East Side Sushi
Julia and Julia
PS I Love You
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
All of these in addition to seeing Once Upon a Time…In Hollywood at the Cinematheque and Judy at the Cedar Lee Theater. As I approach retirement from Tastebuds, I think about a life of writing, reading, and watching movies and it delights me deep into my soul! The next step I’ve chosen for myself is to show my screenplay to Grafton Nunnes, the President of the Cleveland Institute of Art. I keep thinking about how blessed I am to live in a city so rich and overflowing with talented, experienced people that I can reach out to.
(Note: I need to fill 2 holes in my screenplay before sending; The Irish Toast and the names of panelists in the memoir panel!)
I love film! I see now why so many actors want to write, produce or direct. It’s like every little taste makes you want more and more! Movies, really, is there anything better? To be a great movie star or famous director, I mean, that is the top! There is nothing better than that, right? We are all obsessed. We all have our favorite movie and our favorite actor.
I’m not lazy. I’m not stupid. I feel like I’m doing the research, reading the books, and producing good work and now I hope to learn how to pitch my movie and who to pitch it to. I am sure Grafton will have lots of advice on handling harsh criticism and rejection, but Lord knows, I’ve seen what I can do and I’m willing to risk it all. My money’s on me!
I just read to Ari from a book I bought him called, Stand Up and Stand Out!; 25 Rebel Heroes Who Stood Up For Their Beliefs and How They Can Inspire You. We learned about Mohammed Ali and Galileo tonight. This book was made for us! Time to dream of changing the world! Good Night!
That’s Four My Friends!
And Finally…
I just have to leave you with the image of Ari coming out of The Capitol Theater on Gordon’s Square in Cleveland, just after seeing Bohemian Rhapsody! He will rock you!
Thank You For Being Here With Me My Friends!
See you next Friday!
Cheers!
Bridget
Good stuff here...Keep Writing, Dream On.