Tastebuds: A Retrospective (December 2019)
The Before. Just Before Covid, the Collapse of Tastebuds, and the Move to Ireland
Welcome to My 40th Newsletter My Friends!
It’s time for another FOUR (journal entries) ON FRIDAY, and yep, it’s Saturday! I published my newsletter last night just before midnight and then I couldn’t sleep knowing I rushed it simply to meet my self-imposed deadline. Why? Because Four on Friday just sounds better than Four Whenever I Feel Like It! Ridiculous, I know!
I was actually delighted when I woke up this morning to rain, making it a bit easier to give myself permission to stay home and write, or I should say, rewrite this newsletter. It has been interesting to look back and remember our last Christmas in Cleveland. There was so much to see and do, and Playhouse Square and Public Square were the best places to be! Ari and I were living in the loft beside the restaurant which looked so beautiful with its twinkling lights and Christmas tree, and it was just a nice long walk or short bus ride to get to each of these.
Our evenings were spent playing, drawing, painting, cooking, dancing, and setting up obstacle courses or the bouncy house! My mornings were spent cleaning up and readying the loft for any private parties we might have or to handle the overflow of customers dining in. Ari’s mornings began wandering over to the restaurant, still in his PJs, to give my chef and cook a good morning hug before snatching two corn muffins fresh out of the oven and two butter pats out of the display cooler! Our lives were amazing, or so it seemed!
THE BEFORE
Journal Entry
December 14th 2019
Last night I took Ari to see the Porter Sharks at AJ Rocco’s and it was bittersweet because Brendan (the owner) had decided not to renew his lease. He opened about the same time I opened Tastebuds (2001) and has some of the same reasons for walking away. Eighteen years is enough, no matter how special a place is, no matter how much success and joy it brings you, the mechanics just wear out and it’s time for something new.
I ran into so many great people from the Irish community of Cleveland, including former co-workers from Ninth Street Grill and Johnny’s Downtown, a couple of owners of Blue Point, and the former owner of Carneys Bar! We shared fond memories and a few hilarious horror stories!
Joe Custy (from the Porter Sharks) and I had the BEST conversation about my plans to move to Ireland. He’s from County Clare and he insists I check out Galway before settling down in Cork. He also reassured me that moving to Ireland would be the best thing for me and my son!
Okay, the dreaded Friday, December 13th has come and gone. Erin and I took on the biggest catering gig of all time, and despite all of my fear and anxiety, it was a smashing success. It’s always an enriching experience to see what Erin and I can do when we each do what we do best. Our skills complement each other perfectly.
She did all of the corresponding, schmoozing, and menu planning with the host, then drew up the contract and invoice. Most importantly, she said “Yes we can!” to a massive order that I was apprehensive about taking on and she had the guts to charge enough to make it worth all of the hard work, stress, and anxiety!
I did all the shopping, cooking, and most of the heavy lifting, but it was her special touches and beautiful arrangements that elevated my food to a level fit for a corporate Christmas party such as this. When we are older, I think we should strictly cater. It’s what we do best, and frankly, that’s where the money is. I think when our lease ends in 2025…well…we shall see what our future holds. I’d much prefer to be a famous writer/actor/director who can cook and throw fantastic dinner parties than a chef/restaurateur/caterer who aspires to be a writer/actor/director!
Ok, I’m going to google Galway now and get lost in my daydreams!
Journal Entry
December 15th 2019
Just saw the amazing capability of what a small theater, with a small audience and only one actor can do and I am so so so completely blown away and inspired! I need to write a play and perform a one-woman show in the loft! I can write this in Ireland! Maybe even attempt performing it there!
Every Brilliant Thing was the performance and I didn’t even know this theater, The Helen, even existed! I thought for sure I’d been to all the theaters on Playhouse Square so I was just so delighted to find this hidden gem! I should have taken the time to count the seats and see all that is required to build something like this in the loft. The story was so compelling and dealt with suicide in such a unique way and with audience participation too. Hard to imagine tackling such a task as making a heavy topic exciting and fun for the audience.
So, it’s been a damn good weekend, Porter Sharks at AJ Rocco’s on Friday, Monsters game with Ari and his cousins Tommy and Mary on Saturday, and now I’m sitting at Nighttown by myself at the bar after seeing this remarkable play. Not sure if I can stay though, they are crazy busy and I’ve been here a half-hour and still don’t have a drink!
Ok, no worries, Moe just took great care of me! I just had a 28-year-old talking to me. He just had to ask what I was writing about. Poor kid! He’ll never do that again! He does marketing for an insurance company, grew up in Painsville, then moved to Mentor. He actually thought he had to convince me how dull his life was! Too funny! He just moved to Cleveland Heights so it is entirely possible that his life may finally get interesting. One can only hope!
I keep forgetting how remarkable my life is, and then I meet someone who admits he has nothing interesting to say, and I’m like ‘Wow! Me doing a one-woman show might just have the power to entertain a good percentage of people!’
I’m laughing because the couple next to me (ugly Americans) ordered a charcuterie board and they can’t do dairy. They are shining their cell phone flashlights and waving them at the bartenders to call attention to their life-threatening emergency! Don’t think I’ll see too much of that in Ireland!
Ok, enough about that!
I was thinking earlier today how I would likely be drunk tonight and that I better not text my ex. While I am so wanting to write about how poorly and cruelly he treats me, I’ve decided to write about everything I have going for me at the moment, because if I let myself feel, I am hurting, I am sad, and I am lonely.
What’s Good?
I have a meeting with the principal of the Cleveland Institute of Art who has agreed to critique my screenplay.
I have an essay I wrote being published in next month’s Ohio Irish American Newspaper.
I have an attorney helping me attain sole custody of Ari and change his last name to mine.
I have a crazy busy restaurant that is about to close for two weeks so everyone can really enjoy their holiday.
I am about to retire from the restaurant and have Erin run it and send me whatever money I need to live in Ireland. My future will be a future of writing, of watching great films, of travel, and of giving Ari one adventure after another in the kindest, friendliest, and safest country on Earth.
I am so excited! Why would I want to dwell on the loneliness this man makes me feel? Well, because he is the real fucking deal. I look around everywhere I go and I hear conversations and I have conversations and I feel nothing. Whereas he is endlessly fascinating, leaving me more attracted to and curious about everything he says and does, every time we meet!
Perhaps he is protecting himself. I mean, I am leaving. Onwards and upwards. He is smart enough to know that there is a whole world of hurt coming his way if he tries keeping me here or attempting a long-distance relationship. Is he cutting his losses? Getting out now while his investment is still quite low? I feel ripped off. We were gonna do so much together. Everything from acting classes and writers’ workshops to concerts and travel.
DAMMIT! One Martini. One glass of wine. One medium rare steak and one goal: Don’t text him.
I texted him.
No reply.
Fuck!
I don’t know, am I just unlovable?
Journal Entry
December 17th 2019
FUCKED UP DAY! Maybe it’s just the straw that broke the camel’s back, but everything is going wrong and everyone hates me! I want to sell my house, sell Tastebuds, and just disappear. Or close the restaurant and just cater out of here with Erin and sadly, that might make us more money for less work and a lot less headaches, but it would not support me financially when I move to Ireland.
When Erin agreed to take over the restaurant Tastebuds was sailing smoothly. It was a matter of stepping aside and letting her take the helm. But now it seems like I can’t right the ship long enough to let go. There is just so much working against us all of the sudden.
My trusted accountant has died and I have no idea how to proceed as far as paying our taxes, workers comp, and whatever else we are required to pay.
My equipment is failing and my best repairman has retired.
My employees are unhappy that I am leaving and confused about Erin’s role. Even Erin is confused about her role!
My security cameras are broken and it might be best that I don’t see my employees coming in late and spending so much time on their phones.
Our menu got way too big. The Chef job got way too difficult and I don’t think Erin could handle it if anything should happen to Oscar. It’s hard for me to do it all.
My kitchen staff has been working here so long that they are paid at the absolute ceiling which makes it impossible to give them the usual yearly raise and I worry they resent me.
The cost of food, supplies, and services just keep going up, as well as our utility bills. I’m just not sure there is enough money coming in, as busy as we are, to cover both Erin and me. I fear we’ve gotta let somebody go and it won’t be pretty or easy.
Journal Entry
December 26th 2019
It’s been a week and a day since my appointment with the CEO of The Cleveland Institute of Art and the words and ideas he put into my head have been getting comfortable, feeling out the terrain, seeing where they fit and what they may want to avoid. They have been plotting and conspiring and they chose this day, the day after Christmas to launch a full-on attack!
I am off and running on a second screenplay and I feel just as cathartic and confident as I did when I started Screw Ruhlman! His advice, to keep going and gather up a ton of material before I try and shop it in LA was priceless. He said, “One screenplay does not make you a writer, you’ve got to have a trunkful!”
I was happy to hear this because my second screenplay was already starting to bleed out of me and I thought I should wait and finish Screw Ruhlman first. The story is finished, it just needs more of the technical stuff.
Last night I searched for a movie on Netflix that Grafton recommended called First Reformed starring Ethan Hawke to no avail. Ari saw my frustration and put in his request for Star Wars which was also unavailable, so we settled on Raiders of the Lost Ark!
I have a tremendous amount of anxiety as life as I have known it for the last 18 years ends, and a new life begins. A new life filled with tons of adventure and lots of risks. I’ve got Ari to consider now, and I’ve got this sense of urgency, kind of like the world as we know it is starting to crumble and I’ve got to move us to higher ground.
This Christmas was certainly the best ever! Last year I had my surgery and my complete fallout with the family. This Christmas I was fully present, enjoying Ari and his cousins, watching them fully believing in all the magic. My proudest moment was leaving the Perks on Christmas day. Rick and Erin helped load my car with all of our gifts and overnight bags. Ari hopped in but just as I started the car he said he was sad that he didn’t hug his cousins when he said goodbye. He ran back inside and came back so happy.
He looked at all the stuff piled in the back of the car and said, “Boy, Santa and the Perks really hooked us up!” The whole rest of the way home he said how grateful he was and how much he loves his cousins and that this was the best day of his whole entire life!
Back at home, in the loft, Ari opened up all of his toys and used a screwdriver for the first time, to open battery chambers. He loaded batteries and figured out how all of his new toys worked all by himself while I made the best burrito of my entire life with prime rib leftover from Christmas Eve!
After lunch, we played Laser Tag, which was hilarious (a gift from Erin)! I napped after that! So now I am ready to start my application for a zero-stamp visa for Ireland!
10 pm
What a day of food! I pan-roasted cauliflower and garlic, added heavy cream and chicken stock, and pureed it into soup for lunch alongside a spinach salad with aged balsamic vinegar. For dinner, Ari and I made eggplant parmesan in an assembly line, with me at positions 1 and 3 (Flouring and Breading), and him dunking the eggplant in eggwash at position 2! It was hilarious! A total mess, but so much fun and so goddamn delicious!
We had penne pasta with marinara for our side with freshly grated Romano cheese thanks to Ari and some pepperoncini. I drank Saldo wine (another Christmas present from the Perks!) For dessert, we had vanilla profiteroles and I made myself a doppio can panna. Just perfect! Now I’m done with all of the dishes (so great living beside the restaurant and having a serious dish machine at my disposal!) The holidays have made me so sentimental and I’m sitting here asking myself why I would ever give this all up.
And Finally…
I can tell already that I must prepare myself for a lot more heartache as we journey back through these journals and I relive the good, bad, and the ugly. While I am only sharing some of what I have written, I have read all of them and sorted through all of the photographs and videos taken at the same time.
There have been moments where I am ashamed or embarrassed, especially when I see how much I drank, how much abuse I was willing to take just to be loved or liked, and how difficult it was for me to fix what was broken in my personal and professional life. There are moments too, when I would give anything to go back there and do it all over again.
It will be very interesting to see how exploring my past might shape my future. I am so happy to have you by my side, I surely couldn’t do this alone.
Thank You For Being Here With Me My Friends!
Cheers!
Bridget