Hook, Line, and Sinker

Four Days with the Boatman of Ballinacurra

Welcome to my 35th Newsletter Friends!

Remember when I said that even if you don’t hear from me, I’m still writing and gathering new material, so please don’t give up on me? Well, this story I am about to share illustrates my point exactly and is dedicated to those of you who have continued to support me with paid subscriptions when it must sometimes feel that I am not living up to my end of the bargain.

Starting Tastebuds restaurant all over again, in a new country, as a single mom and a clueless American has damn near killed me physically and financially and has consumed most of my time and many of my thoughts. While I have never stopped writing, I haven’t had the time to edit and publish properly, but things are improving! Your support is vital to my life here in Ireland and you have become my greatest inspiration and motivation for writing. I can’t thank you enough, so if you haven’t already, please, please, please consider upgrading to a paid subscription. I swear to God you will be handsomely rewarded someday!

Hook, Line, and Sinker

“Knowledge nuggets!” he’d scoff, as I’d hang colorful cards or magnets containing inspiring quotes from brilliant authors above my desk or on the refrigerator. “Read the damn books!” he’d command. But that was Paul, my ex of seventeen years, and you’d think it was his job to squash my excitement and enthusiasm. Paul was a real-life Henry David Thoreau as well as a brilliant musician. He spent a great deal of his time in nature with his dog taking in all of the sights and sounds of God’s creations big and small. If he wasn’t composing music and writing accompanying lyrics, he was reading or listening to great masterpieces in music and literature.

He lived deeply and sucked all the marrow from life and I could never understand how he could be so negative and unhappy all of the time when he was free from the shackles of a wife, the pressure of a full-time job, and the stress of having to pay any bills. That was my job! These were my most formative years, ages 17-34, and I am eternally grateful that he gave me a deeper understanding and appreciation of literature, music, knowledge, and nature before he became so bitter with life that he lost himself and me in a sea of booze and boo-hoo-hoos.

Nothing ever could squash my spirit and I never stopped living by these quotes or finding new ones to draw inspiration from, even going so far as to write one on the wall at Tastebuds Restaurant in Cleveland when I felt the entire world needed to hear it! They were excerpts from books, some I even owned, but most of which I never fully read sadly!

Tastebuds Restaurant Cleveland Dining Room (2020)

Reading has always been challenging for me. In my youth, reading put me to sleep and I viewed it as a chore with few exceptions. But those few exceptions changed my life! N. H. Kleinbaum’s Dead Poet’s Society (Bantam, 1989.), Robert James Waller’s Bridges of Madison County (New York, Warner Books, 1992.), Mitch Albom’s Tuesdays With Morrie (New York: Doubleday, 1997.), Michael Ruhlman’s The Soul of the Chef: The Journey Toward Perfection. (Viking, 2001), Anthony Bourdain’s, Kitchen Confidential (No Reservations. Chatsworth, CA, Image Entertainment, 2008.), Howard Schultz’s Pour Your Heart Into It (with Dori Jones Yang. New York, NY, Hyperion, 1997.), and everything Maya Angelou has ever written, all helped me to blaze the trail that led me to where I am today, more importantly to who I am today.

However, I much prefer it when someone else reads and gets back to me with only the best or most essential parts of the story. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy reading, but it came to me late in life. Wasn’t it George Bernard Shaw who said “Youth is wasted on the young?” Now, I only wish I had the time and energy to lose myself in a good book. Similarly to exercise, when I finish a good book I am elated and a better person for having done it. I tell myself that I should do it more often, but I just don’t! I’ve gotten better and I’d say I read an average of three books a year, but that’s not much for an aspiring writer.

So when I meet someone who doesn’t simply read books, they devour them and are so moved by what they have learned that it has become their passion to share this knowledge and their newly formed thoughts, opinions, and ideas with the world, I find myself attracted to them, entranced by their words even if I disagree, and my heart beats faster. Usually, when they see that I am positively captivated, they begin speaking as if they are racing with the clock because there is just so much they want to say. Together we delve into it, whatever the subject, deeper and deeper, and suddenly we are attempting to solve the mysteries of life and uncover the truth about what in the hell we are all doing here and what it all means!

When someone has an insatiable hunger and thirst for more than what’s being offered on life’s current menu, I am swept off my feet and quite easily influenced! I am drawn to the light in their eyes, the fire in their belly, and their strong belief that this world that man has created is all wrong! Perhaps this is why a person’s age, looks, and social or marital status never mattered much to my affections! Because they are so rare, I must make special dispensations!

Their passion ignites my passion and moves me forward on my journey and deeper into my quest. In some cases, however, there is a turning point, a divide that I will never understand. When a spark becomes a flame, some carry that fire and use it to light up the world, gleefully igniting the wick of those who put forth their candle. Others use the flame to fully illuminate themselves, aiming to appear more enlightened than everyone else. Leaving others in the dark gives them a feeling of superiority.

It happens with chefs all the time. One minute they are playing around in the kitchen, excited about trying new ingredients, passionate about cooking, sharing ideas and recipes, and feeding people above all else. The next they are ranting and raving in the kitchen and cruel and condescending to anyone in it. They become know-it-all, soul-crushing, belittling, pretentious asshole celebrity wannabes and self-proclaimed Masterchefs! I seek out the former, but they are rare and often in disguise; a prince wearing a pauper’s clothes, or a sage wearing wellies perhaps?

When I was a kid there was a Saturday morning cartoon that I loved called Superfriends, full of many superheroes still popular today; Wonder Woman, Superman, Batman and Robin, and a dynamic duo called the Wonder Twins who could activate their powers by touching their fists. They would then call out a shape or a form to change into and then presto, they’d become whatever they chose. Three weeks ago I met someone who felt like my Wonder Twin, someone, who if we put our heads, hands, and hearts together, we could transform into anything we ever hoped to be!

Summer visited Ireland in the middle of May after a brutally long, hard, wet, and cold winter and my son Ari wasted no time delving into summer sports. Fishing, which he became passionate about last year but lost interest after going a few times with no luck catching anything, suddenly became his obsession. I told him that if he helped me close up my food trailer on the weekends, I’d have enough energy to take him fishing afterward and he was happy to oblige. We found ourselves a gorgeous spot and returned all weekend long. On the third night, having caught not one fish, we caught ourselves a fisherman, and what a fine fisherman he was!

Journal Entry

May 12th 2024

Ok, I could just be getting way ahead of myself, but I think I just met my destiny or the man that’s going to change the course of my life and anchor Ari and me to Ireland forever!

Just incredible that I met a well-read man, eager to share his knowledge and interest in all things including Eastern philosophy, a man who quotes The Road Less Traveled and A Radical Awakening while fishing! From a literary standpoint, this is gold! OMG! This just might be my Eat Pray Love! In my life and in my writing I’ve been missing one thing; my leading man! And I may have just hooked one! See what I mean? There are endless double meanings with nautical terms!

But seriously, I’ve been here in Ireland for almost 4 years and I gave up on meeting someone who can ignite my passion that’s not already married. God, he reminds me of Mike Carney in the way that he sees me as truly alive in this world full of walking dead. In the way that we share the same secret and even if we told others, they wouldn’t get it.

Ari and I were already having an amazing day. He scored his first goal in soccer today and I was there to see it. After the game, he ran to me and said that I was his motivation and inspiration as he threw his arms around me! Wow! Even the other parents around us gushed and smiled at me.

Then back at home, we had a light dinner and headed out to go fishing for the third night in a row!!! The first was Friday night. It was sunny and beautiful and Ari came down to the trailer to help me close up. I had stayed open a few extra hours because of the nice weather. We ended up at a great spot for fishing along a cycle path just over a bridge where a nice narrow piece of land jets out into the water. We set up our chairs and Ari cast his line into the Owenacurra River for the first time. As I sat soaking up the evening sun I suddenly remembered that it was Mother’s Day in the US, so I tried ringing my mother. When she didn’t answer, I assumed one of my siblings had taken her out to lunch, so we made a video and sent it to her.

Ari and I worked all day Saturday on the trailer then went fishing again and brought a friend of Ari’s along. Geoffrey, an Englishman who taught one of my neighbor’s sons to fish and gave him his first fishing rod just happened to be our last customer at Tastebuds and he chatted to Ari and his friend as he sat enjoying his cappuccino and carrot cake. Ari told him about our great fishing spot and he ended up joining us there later that evening. He taught Ari and his friend a great deal about lines, lures, and tackle. I was relieved to have someone with us who would know what to do if Ari actually caught a fish! It’s been a while! As a kid, I was the one who put the worm on everyone’s hook and my dad was the one to remove any fish we caught.

Tonight Geoffrey was already fishing when we arrived and Ari and I were shocked to see a boat leaving just as we approached. We couldn’t believe the water was deep enough for a fishing boat that size. Geoffrey told us that it was his friend driving the boat and that he’d be back and we could meet him. I did think for a moment, ‘I wonder if he’s single?’

When he arrived a short time later it didn’t seem like he and Geoffrey were going to talk to us because they were carrying on so well together and Ari and I had moved downriver so our fishing lines wouldn’t get tangled. But then, fish started jumping where we were and Geoffrey came down to us with the hopes of catching some of the mackerel and he introduced us to his friend Tommy once his hook was in the water.

Our fondness for each other was immediately apparent. He offered to take Ari and me out on his boat within 5 minutes of meeting us, but signaled to keep it quiet because Geoffrey and so many others ask to go out fishing with him and he’s just not into having company!

We had a nice chat but when Geoffrey left our conversation turned deep and meaningful. He kept bringing up the words Nature and Knowledge and saying that everything else is just manmade bullshit! He talked about what it feels like to be out there on the sea fishing or going out to his own little private island and sitting in his chair that he carved out in the grass with a book and his shirt off. He is truly free. He’s never filled out an application for a job! He catches fish and sells them, some to the Balleymaloe in fact, starting as far back as when Myrtle was running things!

I asked to be his apprentice at once! He didn’t say no! So now, I’m dreaming of what it could be like to learn to fish professionally, to drive a boat, and to navigate the rivers and the Celtic Sea. To have Ari and I learning together! He is already so passionate about fishing!

I feel like Ireland has brought me back to all of my childhood passions, being out in nature, on the water, cycling everywhere I need to be, and enjoying the simple things in life. I think of my brother Brian and I riding our bikes down to our secret spot in the valley, where we’d spend most of the summer building forts, fishing, swinging on vines, rafting down the river on styrofoam and blowing off the occasional firecrackers stolen from our dad’s Fourth of July arsenal.

I’m really glad to know too, that I can still conjure up feelings for someone. I haven’t in so long. Tommy’s head and heart are so full of the things I value most but seldom see. I am so happy I met him and I really hope we become close.

Journal Entry

Tuesday, May 14th 20204

Well, Tommy stopped by my trailer yesterday (as I hoped he would!) on his way to get his glasses fixed. The eyeglass store was closed for lunch and so he came back a second time to visit. This time he was eating an ice cream cone as joyfully as a child would! He chatted up another customer and I realized that he absolutely loves finding a connection or at least some common ground with people. He loves the solitude of his life on the Sea, but he’s not a recluse!

The weather has returned to shite, so no boating tonight. Tommy really stressed to me yesterday how much he is willing to help Ari and me. Music to my ears! He asked me what I really want to do in life and asked if my trailer was it. I told him how much I love working there and meeting and feeding people, but that I long to be a writer full-time.

Journal Entry

May 15th 2024

Hook, line, and sinker! What a great title that would be! I’ve been thinking about men and my past relationships since meeting Tommy, naturally. Wondering why I would ever fall for that fairy tale again. And then I remembered the flood and how desperate I was for someone to cling to.

In early drafts of my Substack series on travel, I wrote how maybe it’s time I stop being so all alone. At the very least, if Tommy spends one night taking me out on his boat fishing with Ari, that’s enough. But, I really hope for more and actually I have a feeling that he is going to help unwrap this present that has been sitting in my lap which is the whole of Ireland. For nearly four years I’ve been so happy with the gift of being allowed to live in Ireland, but I really haven’t even fully opened it yet. Ari and I have so much more to discover and experience and I think we just found our very own local guide! And if that weren’t enough, he just might be my spiritual guide/guru as well!

Journal Entry

May 16th 2024

Ari caught his first fish!!! And then eleven others!!! My God! This boy, this man that he is becoming…just WOW! I will never forget how he turned to me briefly, in all of the excitement, with his eyes and mouth drawn wider than ever before, so exhilarated, so happy and so eager to share this moment with me. It was magical, a memory to last a lifetime and we owe it all to Tommy O’Brien! He even let Ari drive the boat home! What a kind, generous, and endlessly fascinating new friend we have!

We arrived back to shore a little after 9 pm and Tommy helped Ari and me into the dinghy after tying up his boat. He rowed us ashore and I asked if I could take his photo which I sensed he wasn’t thrilled about but that he didn’t want to disappoint me either.

As we made our way back to his riverfront house, up a small hill and past the little log cabin full of books where he promised we’d have tea and lively chats in the future, Ari began kicking a soccer ball that he found in his garden and Tommy said he could take the ball home if he liked.

He insisted we keep the life jackets he gave us for next time and said to bring them with us to our fishing spot in case we’d like him to pick us up from there with the boat! He drove us home with a quick stop to SuperValu because we were in need of a few things which he helped carry into the house along with all of our extra clothes and wellies.

We hugged tightly and said goodbye and I said thank you about a dozen times to which he responded, “Not at all, t’was a pleasure and we had a great conversation, didn’t we Ari? And now you’ve caught your first of many fish!” At that, Ari nudged by me to give him a hug as well. He left saying he’d call to me tomorrow at Tastebuds.

As the next day at Tastebuds began to finish up and Tommy had not made an appearance as he said he would, I realized that I hadn’t thanked him properly for yesterday’s fishing trip so I texted him, “Can’t thank you enough. Last night was brilliant! Ari is walking on clouds!” There was no response.

Later that night when he still hadn’t texted back I thought about his old flip phone and how he said he doesn’t even have a plan, he pays as he goes. Perhaps I’d used up all of his prepaid minutes. I laughed remembering that he said he likes to live off the grid and doesn’t have a bank account, never owned a credit card, and how he barters for everything he needs, from work done on his house or boats to haircuts, even trading fish with farmers for food and that he pays cash for everything else, cash earned catching fish.

I went to bed with a smile on my face and joy in my heart, confident that he’d be over to me in the morning. Ari yelled to me from his bed that the weather looks good for the next couple of days and he asked if we could go fishing with Tommy again before we leave for the States and I said, “Sure! Why not?”

Another day passed without a word from Tommy and I thought it so strange that he could change his mind about us, or me, so quickly. I didn’t know him well enough to make any assumptions, but that didn’t stop me. By the next evening, I was wallowing in self-doubt, lamenting that I had been through this before, but did not expect to be going through it ever again. There were several nights in Cleveland where I thought I had met the man of my dreams, connecting on so many levels, feeling that soulmate sort of stuff only to give him my number and never hear from him again.

My cousin Eric witnessed this instant chemistry and extreme passion between me and a fellow one night at Market Garden Brewery in Cleveland. The next time I saw him he asked, “So, when’s the wedding?” When I told him that the guy never called me he asked if I was sure I gave him my number. When I said yes, he laughed and asked, “Do you even know your own phone number? Because I can see you giving out the wrong number with how you rally against technology!”

I’m not saying that Tommy was the man of my dreams but we shared something incredibly special and we connected on such a deep level. ‘I’ve scared him off, like so many others.’ I thought to myself. As I washed dishes and prepped food for Tastebuds and did the laundry and brushed my teeth, I deconstructed every word I said on the boat trying to find where it was I fucked up, what it was that I said to make him not want to see me again.

‘And how could I blow this for Ari too?’ I asked myself. He took to Tommy immediately and I felt he would become a great male role model, something I think Ari desperately needs in his life. Both of us had so much we could learn from Tommy. The sadness consumed me but by the time we left for America, just six days later, I’d managed to put it out of my mind.

Five days in America amongst family was just what I needed to distract me and allow me to heal. While I did share with my family the video I took of Ari catching his first fish with Tommy at his side encouraging, assisting, and applauding him, I did not mention anything about it during our visit. I knew four days of a new relationship doesn’t carry much weight or garner much sympathy when it ends without so much as a word.

You are not going to believe what happened next.

As a star ages, it gradually sheds its outer layers, dims, and eventually turns into a white dwarf star. But bigger stars live a different kind of life. They burn brighter and die younger, ending their lives in spectacular supernova explosions.

-https://www.earth.com/news/astronomers-discover-a-new-way-that-stars-die/

Journal Entry

May 31st 2024

I am gutted. Tommy O’Brien is dead. I don’t believe it. Never in my life have I been so shocked by someone’s passing. We met on Sunday, May 12th while fishing. He visited me Monday at the trailer. He was eating an ice cream cone and was childlike in his joy. He invited Ari and I fishing that evening but the weather was not cooperative. Tuesday was perfect, but Ari had a birthday party so we moved it to Wednesday.

When Tommy picked us up, I invited him in while we finished getting ready, gathering extra clothes, wellies, and fishing gear. He was like an old familiar friend as we picked up our conversation right where we left off the last time.

We had the most magical evening since moving to Ireland and that’s saying something. We made all kinds of plans for future outings, even a long overdue road trip to Achill. I went to bed thinking he was the answer to my prayers for companionship.

Today, Pat, the owner of O’Donovan’s Restaurant came to me at my trailer and broke the news of his passing. My legs gave out from under me but I caught myself before falling. I became conscious of my breathing, confused that it suddenly took effort. I listened but was somewhat distracted as he told me that the last time he had seen Tommy he was eating an ice cream cone and was happily on his way to see me and that’s how he knew to tell me. Of course, he tried to find me before the funeral, but I was in America and thankfully I had left a note on my trailer alerting customers that I’d be gone from the 22nd of May until the 28th. According to his obituary posted on May 20th, Tommy passed away “unexpectedly and peacefully at his home” on May 18th, but I wonder. I believe in my heart that he was gone before I sent that text on Thursday, May 16th. It’s best that we didn’t know before our trip and I wonder if it would have been better to have never known at all.

So Saturday afternoon while Ari was attending another birthday party, I packed up a bottle of wine, my journal, a salad leftover from work and a picnic blanket and headed to Tommy’s house unsure why or what I would find. I sat sobbing for a few minutes and then wrote this:

I’m here Tommy, gazing out at your fishing boat and dinghy, everything just as it was the first time and the last time you took us out in them. My tears and the aching in my heart seem unearned somehow. We knew you such a short time. Not even a week. I’d say that’s a testament to both our characters, how open I was to all you were willing to tell me, teach me, and show me. You poured your soul into mine with no reserve.

I appreciate the stillness and the quiet. The tide is gently rolling in, lifting your boat and I’m seeing you there and hearing your voice in my head. Those are surely your footprints in the muck before me. Yours, mine, and Ari’s, and part of me feels robbed of having our footprints all over Cork, with Ari’s growing bigger and sturdier each day.

He cried his eyes out yesterday when I sat him down and delivered the news of your death between healthy scoops of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. Phish Food of course, like we bought at SuperValu with you to celebrate Ari’s first catch. I debated telling him, but I needed him to grieve with me. Maybe that’s selfish, but I also did not want him hearing it from someone else.

I’m glad I did not bring Ari with me today because it was incredibly dangerous getting here on my bike. But I just had to come. Maybe I came because I still can’t quite believe it, or maybe I’m here to say goodbye. I’m just here and I’m wanting you to know how much you meant to me and Ari and how much we will miss you. Just like the Pollock, you helped Ari catch and then release back into the sea, you were all ours for a precious moment in time. You brought us tremendous joy and excitement and for me, you will forever be the one that got away!

The End

So Now What?

Well, perhaps I will start by reading the damn books he was so passionate about!

And Finally…

Now I just can’t leave us here sad and teary-eyed, so I’ve got a video that will do us all a world of good! And it’s helping to convince me that Tommy’s not gone, he’s just gone fishing.

Thank You For Being Here With Me My Friends!

Cheers!

Bridget